Homeless, Ambiguous Living.

17 Aug

Remember how beyond excited I was to be coming back to Buffalo this fall?  Well, now that I’m here… it’s not what I was hoping it would be.  I lived here just over eight months ago.  This was my home growing up.  A few years ago, I felt anxiety to leave here.  Now I’m having a little anxiety being here.  When I’m at my parent’s house, I feel like a guest.  Only about a year ago it was my home, now I feel like a guest.  And that makes me feel homeless.  Especially (and I didn’t want to whine about this too much) since I’m separated from Chris again.  For some reason, these seven weeks are hitting me harder than I anticipated.  I hate having to be separated from my husband more than I was separated from my fiance, even though it’s a shorter period.  I know it’s what has to happen, but it doesn’t feel right.

Even going back to work was weird.  Some changes have happened while I was gone.  Obviously change happens all the time, but it feels different and a little awkward.  I hope that goes away over time.  I did get a small promotion/pay raise, and that makes me happy.  Any extra money will help with the bills, which is much needed; things have gotten especially tight over the past few days.

I don’t like my situation right now.  All I can do is try to stay positive and make my stay here worth it.  In December we will be moving to Janesville and we’ll be there for two years.  In my head this move is going to be extremely positive.  I can make us a home and I want us to feel like we have a place to live.  No, not just a place to live, but a home where we belong.

But I already know that my expectations are too high.  Chris isn’t planning on changing any license plates (he claims that perfectly legal because he’s there for school) and he continues to use his parent’s house as his permanent mailing address.  The small things like that make me feel like we don’t belong anywhere.  I am yearning for the day we can have a home, put down roots, stay for years upon years, and change our “permanent address” on official documents.  I hate this ambiguous living.

I know it will pay off in the end, but I don’t even know where the end is.  Five years?  Ten years?  Fifteen years?  I can’t wait that long.

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2 Responses to “Homeless, Ambiguous Living.”

  1. Alise August 18, 2010 at 10:40 am #

    :::hugs:::

    hang in there, I give you a lot of credit.

  2. jbean August 18, 2010 at 3:18 pm #

    aw, it’ll be ok. but i hear ya on not feeling like you belong. i would try to convince him to change his address. DH had an issue with this while we were renting. finally one day i told him that i don’t want our addresses to be different-we’re together and i don’t want my SO technically living at a different residence than i do. he finally got it and changed his address. i always change mine, even if it’s just for a year. i want my mail, dammit! even the junk mail!

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