Edward Cullen.

19 Mar

*Please note, this post is taking the place of Picture Friday this week, though there is a lovely picture at the very end of the post.*

When I thought about all the things I could blog about today, my mind drifted to last night when my husband and I were out with about ten of his school friends.  We started at Neptune’s for a free cocktail hour sponsored by Doctors in Training (a sketchy review course for the STEP exam; it doesn’t seem very legit to me).  I could write about the argument I had there with a Democrat from Texas who claimed to have socially conservative (and fiscally liberal, I assume) views and yet was very upset that the healthcare bills in Congress right now don’t include coverage for abortions during the first trimester. O.o  He also did not quite believe in the theory of evolution.  Or I could blog about his discussion of how his values didn’t agree with that of his church, yet when I asked him why he didn’t change churches (by which I meant sect) he said he couldn’t because he loved his church (by which he meant sect).  I’m sorry, but if your beliefs don’t match with the church you attend, why would you stay there?

No, I’m not going to blog about those heavy things, instead I have to blog about… Edward Cullen.

After a delicious sushi dinner at East we headed outside to the Corner Bar and had some drinks.  It’s still Spring Break here in Grand Bahama Island, so there were drunk, scantily clad young women everywhere.  And then there was this guy…

I wish I had taken a picture but I didn’t have a camera.  I know a lot of people on the Internet refuse to believe anything without pictures, but I swear this happened.

Dear Edward Cullen Wannabe,

It’s obvious to me after observing you that you have travelled on Spring Break alone.  This is not very safe, but really that’s not the main issue here.

I have to give you a little credit for plotting this plan.  Yes, some young college girls are obsessed with Twilight and I’m quite sure if they ever saw Robert Pattinson or his personification of Edward Cullen in real life, they would scream and fawn all over him.  So really, you plan to dress like a vampire to hit on girls is on the right track.  What you failed to take into account was your creepy nature and unattractive, un-Cullen-esque attire and actions.

You had the very pale skin down to an art and your hair sure looked pale and other-worldly, but the Cullens are a classy brood of vampires.  They wear designer clothes that are fashionable and, though they are vampires, they even throw in some pops of color.  Your straight legged cotton (not denim) black pants were not very flattering.  Your black t-shirt was okay, I assume, but it was covered with some sort of black cotton jacket thing.  The mini-dog tag seemed out of place, though I will give you props for that little lapel pin you wore.  But a lapel pin won’t land you some Spring Break ass.

These shoes are never attractive.

What was most unattractive about your outfit were the solid black sneakers.  Those are never attractive on a male to begin with, let alone when they are all puffy and sloppy from being worn for three years.  Let’s face it, you had an Edward Cullen Wannabe outfit FAIL.

But what was most disturbing about your plan was the way you slowly walked through the square, creepy eyes taking in everything around you without actually moving.  While I certainly was paying attention to see how you were going to creep me out more, you failed at drawing in the attention of anyone else around you.  A Cullen subtly demands attention from the room and you failed.  You most creeptacular move was to approach a group of drunk, blonde girls and hover behind them, literally inches from them.  Were you smelling their skin?  Did you say something to them?  I couldn’t tell.  But they didn’t acknowledge you at all!  Perhaps you had been over there earlier and were trying again.  Slowly moving around the edge of their circle, standing behind each girl in turn was a strange sight.  I was glad to see they didn’t give you the time of day.  I have a feeling you wouldn’t have known what to do next.

Then I saw you slowly walk off, never to be seen again.  Maybe next year you take a buddy with you on Spring Break and you spend some time on the beach getting some color.  Or you could stay home and attend an Anime convention, or play World of Warcraft, or Pokemon, or whatever the kids are into these days.  That seems right up your alley.

Love, RossWife

PS:  If you are a real vampire, you make a very awkward one.  Maybe you should find a new career with the Volturi or something.

Now that we’ve discussed the ugly side of fake Edward Cullen Wannabes, we need to refresh our brains.

Mm. Don't we feel better now? via Google Images

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